Living in the Gray Space

Like so many, for most of my life I have wanted the answers to life questions, both simple and large.  I have wanted to know the outcome and to be reassured that all will be okay.  As a result I have looked too quickly for the black/white, yes/no answer.  I would make decisions that were not always in my best interest to have a matter or issue closed or resolved. Even for “fun” activities, I would routinely look up the end of a book to make sure it was okay for me to read, or search up how a movie ends for the same reason.  It has taken a long while to understand it stems from not feeling emotionally safe in childhood, particularly when I was forming my sense of self in my teens.   I had to try and piece together my adult identity without the benefit of supportive and available adults in my life.

Because of my childhood experience, I chose an adult life that primarily revolved around safety.  My role in the family and my parents divorce at 16 left me mostly fending for myself and I internalized that I would need to live my life without support (emotional, financial, etc).  During my late teens and 20’s my choices reflected this.  I chose a safe career (accounting), something I could always get a job doing and “safe” relationships where I did not have to be emotionally vulnerable or expose myself to getting hurt. 

As part of my personal journey, I am learning to live in the gray space.  A space between black and white, understanding but letting go of the outcome.  Being okay with moving forward without knowing the answers and listening internally and continuing to walk forward without necessarily knowing where that future place will be.  

A friend and I were talking about an energy we have both seen and felt in meditation who we call the Gray Lady.  She is a strong feminine energy that presents herself most often alone.  She is loving but not necessarily soft. She is straightforward, and asks you to question and examine yourself within her strong loving support.  I believe she has shown up for me recently to encourage me to live in this new gray space.  Trusting I will be safe, protected, and will be able to continue to move forward trusting my intuition and guidance but I may not always know where I am headed, or what the outcome will be.  Scary and also freeing.  

Have you tried living in the gray space?

Be Well.