It’s not about the nuts…
Were the pistachios mine to take?
I was recently on a flight, about a third full. I was the only person in my row and no one was in the 3 rows in front of me. Once in the air, a flight attendant stopped in the row in front of me, turned around holding a tray of pistachios nut packets. He said something to me and I saw the pistachios. Thinking he was offering them to me, I said something about liking pistachios and I took a packet, grateful for the protein. Still facing me he then said that I wasn't supposed to have them. I asked why, and he said they were for the premium seats (I was not in a premiun seat) and he turned and walked away. Feeling a bit confused at that point, another attendant came by with crackers, saw the pistachios on my lap and gave a questioning look.
I started to feel weird about having the packet. Trying to remember exactly what the first person had said. Had I taken the packet when I wasn't supposed to? Why did he turn to talk to me when there was no one in the row in front of me? If he let me take one, why would he then say I wasn't supposed to have it?
I started playing scenarios in my head. I could offer to give it back, but they probably wouldn't take it. The tray had plenty of nut packets, so I wasn't taking a packet from someone else. I could throw it away as by now it had "bad energy.” Should I try to give it back even though it would be awkward but I deserved the awkwardness because I just took it? Should I just eat the nuts? Had I just stolen them? Did I not deserve the packet? Had I done something wrong?
Then I took a pause. Oh, this isn't really about one small packet of nuts, is it. I started to think about what other people's reactions might be to this scenario. I imagined some people would have happily taken it and not given it another thought (those who feel appreciative and gladly accept nice things being given to them). Some who might feel terrible they had taken one, but didn't want to face the awkwardness of returning it (those who don’t not feel they deserve to have nice things, don't feel comfortable in their own skin and don't want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable). Those who might have wished they had taken a second packet (those who expect things to be given to them without appreciation or reciprocity).
So what category do I fall into? What should I do with my packet? Should I quietly just get rid of it once I’’m off the plane?
Thinking through each scenario, it was clear that each represented old voices in my head and old thought patterns. My mom's voice in my head that I am selfish and spoiled and my extrapolation that I don’t deserve good things in life that are available to others. I deserve retribution for having done something wrong even without intention, it’s not okay if others are unhappy with me and I need to make it right or better, or walking away from or shutting down my feelings so I don’t have to face them.
I then decided to think about and “practice” the current situation as the person I am becoming. Someone with love and compassion for others and also learning to feel those same things for myself. To accept what is offered at face value and I don’t always need to know other’s internal thought processes. To conduct myself with integrity and authenticity, understanding that others will not always like or approve of my actions. To feel gratitude when someone does something extra for me and that it is okay and I am deserving to accept it. I opened the packet, enjoyed my nuts and laughed to myself that we are given many nudges and opportunities to learn our lessons and the invitation to grow will never stop inviting us forward.
As I was leaving the plane, the flight attendant with the nut tray was alone at the exit. I thanked him for the nuts. He laughed and said, “Oh, you don't need to thank me," and I was greeted at the baggage claim to the lyrics "Everyday invites you to find your place in the Sun." (*)
Be Well.
*Place in the Sun - song writers: Bud Cockrell and Cory Charles Lerios